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  SHE: You’re in no state to drive ME: Jesus will take the wheel JESUS: Can’t. Drunk. ME: But you were only ordering water all night JESUS: [tries to wink at camera]

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  Essential oils: what drips out of tacos

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  ME: I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby EVERYONE AT WHOLE FOODS: [gasping] ME: Fair trade organic of course, I'm not a monster

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  [first day in prison] CELLMATE: That’s Flesh Eater Mike ME: Why do they call him that? CELLMATE: [whispering as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin] it’s short for Michael

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  COP: We got a report you have pot in your car. ME: [pulls out a flower pot] You mean this? COP: [chuckles] My mistake. What are you growing? ME: Weed.

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  ENIGMATIC RICH GUY: I’ve invited you to this private island to participate in the most dangerous game ME: When you splay your fingers on a table and then stab a spoon between them faster and faster? GUY: No, I’m talking about hunting—wait…you use a spoon? #recycledmaterials

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  ME: You are quite naughty CAT: Meow ME: Yes, but next time there will be consequences CAT: Meow ME: You’re right probably not

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  "You have reached the acupuncture self-help hotline. Please enter your pin."

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  HIM: I heard you do a terrible owl impression ME: When HIM: Holy shit that is bad

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  "Meh." —Apathetic cow

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  Please like and subscribe But don’t hit the bell Your life is interrupted enough with useless notifications

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  [in jail] GUY: We got just one rule: snitches get stitches ME: Wow, this is better healthcare than my job

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  COP: Can you describe the intruder? ME: He had a toe ring COP: He was barefoot? ME: No he had shoes, but I could just tell

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  If St Patrick sees his shadow today, it's 6 more weeks of snakes 🍀

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  Ancient Egyptians were all, “We need religion” and some guy held up a cat and said, “Eh? Ehhh?”